Keeping vigil: A guide to supporting a dying loved one

When a loved one is nearing the end of their life, many people find solace in keeping vigil by their side. This act of being present, often quietly and attentively, is a profound way to show support and love. Keeping vigil is an age-old practice that can provide comfort to both the dying person and their family and friends.

Keeping vigil for people as they die is something I do often. Sometimes, for a many different reasons, people may not have someone to stay by their side as they go through the dying process. When that happens, I make myself available to stay with them until they pass. Its a privilege and an honour to hold this space for people when they need it and I am eternally grateful for the privilege.

This post explores the significance of keeping vigil, ways to manage it effectively, and how to honour cultural and spiritual traditions during this poignant time.

Keeping vigil is a deeply personal experience, offering a way to express love, care, and solidarity with the dying person. Simply being there, perhaps holding their hand, can convey a powerful message of presence and support. Many people find that sitting quietly with their loved one, speaking softly, reading aloud, singing, or playing their favourite music, can be a meaningful way to connect during these final moments.

Hearing is believed to be the last sense to go, which means that your words and the sounds around the dying person can provide comfort, even if they do not seem to respond. Sharing memories, expressing love, or simply talking about everyday things can create a sense of normalcy and peace. This time can also be an opportunity to say things that have been left unsaid, offering closure to both the dying person and those keeping vigil.

Managing the Practicalities of Keeping Vigil

While keeping vigil can be a beautiful and meaningful experience, it can also be physically and emotionally draining. It is important to recognise and plan for the demands it may place on you and others involved. Here are some practical tips for managing the vigil effectively:

• Plan for Breaks: Sitting by a loved one’s side continuously can be exhausting. Plan regular breaks to rest, eat, and refresh yourself. It is essential to maintain your strength and well-being to provide ongoing support.
• Organise Shifts: If possible, arrange shifts with other family members and friends. This approach ensures that someone is always present, while also allowing everyone involved to rest and recuperate. Coordinating with others can also foster a sense of community and shared responsibility during this difficult time.
• Prepare for Uncertainty: The duration of a vigil can be unpredictable, and it may be challenging to estimate how long it will last. Accepting this uncertainty can help you stay flexible and resilient. Understand that it is okay to take a break or step out of the room if needed.
• Coping with Absence: Many people worry about missing the exact moment of death if they leave the room. It can be reassuring to know that some individuals seem to wait for a moment of solitude before passing away. However, if it happens, it does not diminish the significance of your vigil or the love and support you have shown.

Honouring Cultural and Spiritual Traditions

Cultural and spiritual beliefs often play a significant role in how people approach death and dying. For many, keeping vigil is not just a personal act but a cultural or religious duty. Understanding and honouring these traditions can provide comfort and meaning during this time.

• Rituals and Prayers: Many cultures and religions have specific rituals, prayers, or practices to be performed when someone is dying. These might include reciting particular texts, chanting, lighting candles, or other symbolic actions. Involving spiritual leaders or community members can ensure that these traditions are respected and followed.
• Presence and Support: Some traditions require that someone is always present with the dying person, ensuring they are not alone. This practice can be a source of comfort, reinforcing the sense of connection and care. In these cases, organising shifts among family and friends can help maintain a continuous presence.
• Music and Reading: Playing religious or culturally significant music, reading sacred texts, or sharing meaningful stories can be a way to honour the dying person’s beliefs and bring them peace. These practices can also provide solace to those keeping vigil, creating a shared experience of reflection and connection.

The emotional toll of keeping vigil can be significant, and it is essential to take care of your mental and emotional well-being. Here are some suggestions for managing the emotional aspects of this experience:

• Seek Support: Talk to other family members, friends, or a counsellor about your feelings. Sharing your thoughts and emotions can help you process the experience and feel less isolated.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself during this time. It is normal to experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and relief. Acknowledge these feelings without judgment.
• Mindfulness and Relaxation: Practices such as deep breathing, meditation, or mindfulness can help you stay grounded and manage stress. Taking a few moments to focus on your breath or engage in a relaxation technique can make a significant difference.
• Honour Your Needs: Ensure you are getting enough rest, eating well, and taking time for self-care. Remember that looking after yourself enables you to be there for your loved one more effectively.

Hospice and palliative care services can provide invaluable support during the vigil. These professionals are trained to offer medical, emotional, and spiritual care to both the dying person and their family. They can help manage symptoms, provide comfort, and offer guidance on what to expect during the final stages of life.

• Symptom Management: Hospice and palliative care teams can ensure that the dying person is as comfortable as possible, managing pain and other distressing symptoms.
• Emotional and Spiritual Support: These teams often include counsellors, social workers, and chaplains who can provide emotional and spiritual support to the family, helping them navigate the complex emotions that arise during this time.
• Practical Assistance: Hospice and palliative care professionals can also assist with practical matters, such as coordinating care, providing information about the dying process, and offering respite for caregivers.

In conclusion

Keeping vigil with a dying loved one is a profound and meaningful act of love and support. It allows you to be present during their final moments, providing comfort and connection. By planning for the practicalities, honouring cultural and spiritual traditions, and taking care of your emotional well-being, you can create a supportive and compassionate environment for both your loved one and yourself.

Remember that you are not alone in this journey. Seek support from family, friends, and healthcare professionals, and take comfort in knowing that your presence makes a difference. Keeping vigil is a testament to the enduring bonds of love and the human capacity for compassion and care.